I’ve been floundering this past week, trying to figure out what it is I truly want. I’ve run my mind around in circles, like a dog chasing its tail.
Part of me feels happier than I’ve ever felt in my life. I took a chance. I actually did it. But there is also a fear inside of me I haven’t managed to quiet. I fear I will discover part of myself I’d rather not. I fear what I want more than anything I won’t be able to achieve. And my deepest fear of all – I fear I will fail.
Slowly I’ve come to the realization that whenever I make decisions based on how I feel and not what I “should” do, it’s the right decision for me. Those are the times I have the greatest sense of calm, of peace. Risky decisions to other people aren’t risky to me when I listen to the voice inside my head and shut out all the others. So that’s what this year will be about: learning to listen to myself and doing what feels right for me, even if it doesn’t make sense to the rest of the world. Even if it doesn’t always make sense to me.
Being truthful with myself, I don’t want another communications job. At least, not right away. (If you’re a recruiter happening to read this, don’t worry, If the right job comes along, I’ll take it. And I’ll be fabulous.) But right now what I want is to get as far away as I possibly can from any office and its daily doses of jargon and bullshit.
What I want is to be sitting here on this bench, enjoying the sun, the breeze, and the musician playing guitar on the street corner. I want to be near the sun and sand, fully present and existing as I am, not as others want me to be. I want to forsake high heels and suits and instead wear flip flops and summer dresses. Most of all, I want to give myself permission to be understated without feeling plain, relaxed without feeling lazy, happy without feeling guilty.